gathering my thoughts...via computer...

i'm not too sure how things have worked out the way they have, but i know God has put me where i'm at and is sending me where i'm going for a reason...

i'm kinda sad that i'm leaving...and by kinda sad i mean really really sad...i feel like it's partially my fault that i haven't received my certification yet...like i could have tried harder, studied a little more, then i could stay with my friends...but i haven't...and it's the most stressful thing i have going on in my life right now...i mean i DO have a job...but only for a year...at the one place i didn't want to work (junior high)...and i'm working in a tiny town...and i'm working 5 hours away...in the middle of no where...where i know absolutely no one...but i suppose God has a plan for me...definitely not the plan i wanted, but i've come to the acceptance that there's that "reason"...and i've even been told "maybe you'll love it so much you'll wanna stay"...

i've been blessed with this opportunity...an opportunity of a lifetime...it has been in the news that only 20% of my graduating class would even have a job for this coming year with the economy as it is...and then you have me complaining because it doesn't "suit" me...gah it's like i've been so ignorant of how lucky i am...but i guess it's better to realize it now, then to go on hating where i live and putting that on my students...

but then i think that "HELLO LAUREN THIS IS WHERE YOUR HEART HAS ALWAYS BEEN!!! you've always been great with kids, you've got the magic words to make a situation better, to make children feel better, and you actually care about them because you know where you've been in your past and where you want to be in your future no matter where you are and what you're doing...God will provide a way when it seems like there is no way..."

i have so many emotions everyday...mostly happy or hyperactive or sleepy haha...but everyone has their insecurities...despite knowing that i'm great at adapting to new situations and places, it's kinda hard to believe i'm growing up...leaving people i love behind...but not really "leaving" them...just like me taking a very extended vacation and not seeing people for months at a time...

but ON ANOTHER NOTE...

i wouldn't just be leaving behind my friends and family...i'd be leaving the one person i have had the most feelings for, for the last 3 years...it's even harder to believe that i could care so deeply about someone, and have never made any effort at all...usually i'm a straight forward kinda gal...very very open...but he just makes me comfortable like i don't have to worry about the world or problems...i can leave for months at a time, think about him, and then suddenly realize when i see him again the reason why i cared about him to start with...i've met guys...and i've dated plenty guys...but i've only had (in my opinion) 2 real relationships...and none of which have i ever fallen in love...never...never have i had that spark that made me love them...

the more i think about it though, the more i think that i've made the biggest mistakes with this guy...that i've let my petty immaturities about relationships and love get in the way of expressing myself...though it is not my job...love is a 2 way highway...but i've been driving miles and miles away...from the one person that...well...i think i love...and it's weird i know since we haven't dated or talked about it really...but i know...in my heart and in my mind, that i love him...i remember the moment i met him...everything is so clear in my mind as to why i feel the way i do...

but i've wondered if i've been blind by what God wants, or i've wandered into a world of what i want instead of what i need and who i've been set out to be with...

and people are like "lauren you like everyone..." MAJOR FALSE STATEMENT!!! it takes a lot of get my attention...A LOT!!!

and a good friend told me...

"no matter who you care about now, you'll always care about him...he'll always be in your heart..."

and i guarantee he will...